Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
You Might Also Like
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
こいつ天才
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
how it started vs how it ended
Me when my alarm goes off
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”