My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
watergate? u mean a dam??
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.