It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess itās hereditary.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Locked in the targetā¦STRIKE! šššš
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, Iād say, ānope.ā
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: Iāll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* thatāll be $750, please
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY ššš
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts āI didnāt really expect to live this longā as the answer to why I havenāt been properly taking care of my teeth.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. Sheās already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
You know Iām something of a chef myself
Monday, if you keep this shit up – Iām taking you out of the will.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.