My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Mad Max Arctic Road
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.