no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂