*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
You Might Also Like
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans