I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
In Canada they just call them geese
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.