If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial