I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣