The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?