My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.