CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.