I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush