Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table