8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.