moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?