i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy