Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.