Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick