Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
What the hell happened in there??
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.