How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
You Might Also Like
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now