Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL