How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.