My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
LMAO
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words