[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.