Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.