Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big