[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.