Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
The Onion called it…again.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.