When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool