Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*orders delivery*
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Fidel Castro was alive?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“You drive, I’m tired.”