Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I want to meet the individual who made this
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
moms in horror movies
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.