My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.