If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
You Might Also Like
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀