More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.