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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho