I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Storm Tropical Storm
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out