You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.