My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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Reporter: *ports again*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork