I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”