I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.