Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.