ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.