I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
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Venn
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.