me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.