Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.