In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You Might Also Like
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.