HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.