You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.