Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
God has left this place
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I enjoy a good short stor
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda